I admit I am really not into writing but I’ve been always
found myself grabbing a piece of paper and a pen in times of hazy moments. You
know, dark moments. When no one is here with me and there’s nowhere to run.
I usually
spend my time formulating and calculating
equations with numbers and letters. And now, I found myself seeing words trying
to compose and figure out my innermost thoughts and feelings deep down from
within. I really don’t know. Maybe I am
just scribbling anything for nothing. Huh, hate feeling sucks.
While
groping in the dark behind these closed doors I must confess I’ve done
stuffs…stupid one’s I think. You know, things that there’s no sense at all and
unhealthy which never have been.
My life got
totally screwed when you left. People may not see as it seems to be but believe
me I am broken and frozen. You broke me off into pieces. The tearful pain it
brought marked an end. Hurtful and painful…nothing I could compare with those
bloody aching body parts caused by those nonsense fights we used to have had
back then.
On the 4th
day of November 2012, it was Sunday, no work of course. I did my Sunday routine
went to church in the morning, took my lunch and slept after awhile to
condition myself for the following morning as I usually do. At around 3 o’clock
of that silence deafening afternoon, a vibrate sounds from my phone awaken me
and somehow I found my heart throbbed like that for the first time when I saw
my mother’s name blinked on screen from the Philippines. So, I picked up my phone
and heard mama’s voice and asked me to call her since she didn’t have
enough load to talk for long. I dropped the call and hurriedly went downstairs
to purchase a call card. Emergency stuffs run all over my head that time.
So I called
mama, the darkest moment in my life came in as my mother relayed me the
story:
”me: hello, ma?
mom: dai, lig-ona imu kasing2x…
me: ha! naunsa man diay mu diha? Asa man diay
si papa?
mom: lig-ona lage u kasing2x diha kai ikaw ra baya usa
me: nganu lage mu diha, naunsa lage diay mu
diha.
mom: naghikog man imung manghud, tua imu papa sa
purinarya”
I dropped
the call, my tears fell like rain that day. I couldn’t bear the pain that I
almost wanted to follow you. I just cried and cried all night and day all along.
I asked the company here to let me attend to your wake. I spent tearful
sleepless nights and days up to the last moment that I could see your face and
bade goodbye.
“What was
really happened?” Oh, how I wish to hear answers and arguments from you. I mean
anything. I really love to hear anything from you but I know that it never
gonna happen because you’re not here with us anymore. You’re really gone.
It’s been
six months already since you passed away. Tearful sleepless nights are still
there with me. And for those nights that I managed to get a sleep, there you
were tried to comfort me with those little hugs and talks. I love you sis so
much. I miss you a lot. Thank you for everything. You are always in my prayers.
May you rest in peace with Him. Your two kids will always remind me of you.
I’ll be their shelter no matter what. We love you.
( We love you sis...)
