MIRRORS

(Guidance 2 - October 2002 with 1.2 grade)

From a Sister

She is great and for all the good traits she had, undeniably, the members of our family appreciate her so much. But for me, there is no other traits can fill to complete her existence except for her being kind.

Yet, being good and kind-hearted person will not be appreciated without her alter ego. I observed that she is quite moody and ill-tempered sometimes which makes me feel so irritated.

From Friends

Good companion, good friend, she is a good adviser in different situations. True friend and can be trusted.

She don't talk about what she feels, think on some situations and about some things that bothers her. Sometimes, too frank that could make some people offended.

From a Loved One

Just a point of clarification before I start, I have nothing to do with any romantic involvement with the addressee. I'm just actually a mere friend of hers - one of her closest friends, that is. Well, to me, She's no longer a common friend that comes and goes through the years. She's always been a good companion (everywhere), a listener, a hand when I'm in need and of course, my reflector - who critics and evaluates my damn self.

She has lessen her being "loud-mouth" about anything, but there are some instances that she tends to lose her tact - and again hit others. She also has that irritating attitude wherein she gladly opens a conversation,, bring something up and say a word or two about it and when you ask what was she talking about , She'll just give you a shrug and a dismissing look that tells you to just back-off and forget anything, infuriating, right?

REACTIONS from the addressee

For a Sister

I'm not used to hear any critics or evaluation from my family. We're not that good in expressing inner emotions to each one of us. But since I asked it, so my younger sister tried to have something, jot here in my notes. I'm quite glad to hear some appreciation from her. At first glance, on what she have written, something deep inside softly stabbed my feelings. My gosh!, it touched my heart. On the other hand, upon reading the unpleasant feedback, I'm no longer surprised about those bad stuffs since I consider her as my enemy at home. Don't think that I don't love her - I love her very much. If I could just dare to express my feelings to her, I would tell her How am I thankful and glad for having her as my sister.

For Friends

I'm not anymore surprised of how they appreciate me. I admit I'm that good as a friend, companion and as an adviser to their woe's and predicaments. On the contrary, I also admit being frank and silent or perhaps unfair in the sense that they shared more  and I shared less. But it doesn't mean that I don't trust them at all. It's just that I'm still shy, I'm ashamed to let them know about what I truly feel deep, deep down inside me regarding a certain person or a thing. All through this time I've been trying to lessen this bad habit but still I could hear feedback's about that damned attitude. But inside myself, I know I did something and I think  I've lessen it if not totally but at least.

For a Loved One

Since I'm not in a relationship, so i chose a friend (closest), one who knows almost everything about me to give feedback as my loved one. We'll I guess her evaluation and my expectation met. It is exactly I whom she described of being a good kind of friend to her. On the unpleasant side, Oh man!..She hits the bulls eye. Huh,..It hurts...But still I appreciate her of being honest, She really knows me inside out.

Reality

          I admit I am really not into writing but I’ve been always found myself grabbing a piece of paper and a pen in times of hazy moments. You know, dark moments. When no one is here with me and there’s nowhere to run.

            I usually spend my time formulating and calculating equations with numbers and letters. And now, I found myself seeing words trying to compose and figure out my innermost thoughts and feelings deep down from within.  I really don’t know. Maybe I am just scribbling anything for nothing. Huh, hate feeling sucks. 

            While groping in the dark behind these closed doors I must confess I’ve done stuffs…stupid one’s I think. You know, things that there’s no sense at all and unhealthy which never have been.

            My life got totally screwed when you left. People may not see as it seems to be but believe me I am broken and frozen. You broke me off into pieces. The tearful pain it brought marked an end. Hurtful and painful…nothing I could compare with those bloody aching body parts caused by those nonsense fights we used to have had back then.

            On the 4^th day of November 2012, it was Sunday, no work of course. I did my Sunday routine went to church in the morning, took my lunch and slept after awhile to condition myself for the following morning as I usually do. At around 3 o’clock of that silence deafening afternoon, a vibrate sounds from my phone awaken me and somehow I found my heart throbbed like that for the first time when I saw my mother’s name blinked on screen from the Philippines. So, I picked up my phone and heard mama’s voice and asked me to call her since she didn’t have enough load to talk for long. I dropped the call and hurriedly went downstairs to purchase a call card. Emergency stuffs run all over my head that time.

            So I called mama, the darkest moment in my life came in as my mother relayed me the story:

”me:    hello, ma?

 mom:  dai, lig-ona imu kasing2x…

 me:     ha! naunsa man diay mu diha? Asa man diay si papa?

 mom:  lig-ona lage u kasing2x diha kai ikaw ra baya usa.

 me:     nganu lage mu diha, naunsa lage diay mu diha.

 mom:  naghikog man imung manghud, tua imu papa sa purinarya”

            I dropped the call, my tears fell like rain that day. I couldn’t bear the pain that I almost wanted to follow you. I just cried and cried all night and day all along. I asked the company here to let me attend to your wake. I spent tearful sleepless nights and days up to the last moment that I could see your face and bade goodbye.

            “What was really happened?” Oh, how I wish to hear answers and arguments from you. I mean anything. I really love to hear anything from you but I know that it never gonna happen because you’re not here with us anymore. You’re really gone.

            It’s been six months already since you passed away. Tearful sleepless nights are still there with me. And for those nights that I managed to get a sleep, there you were tried to comfort me with those little hugs and talks. I love you sis so much. I miss you a lot. Thank you for everything. You are always in my prayers. May you rest in peace with Him. Your two kids will always remind me of you. I’ll be their shelter no matter what. We love you.

Well, it is indeed reality.

                                                             ( We love you sis...)

Welcome Year 2012

Happy New Year to all.
Spending time on new year's eve alone,
Is something couldn't been proud of.
Alone and lonely, what a heck!..

Moments like this, a family like mine was supposed to be one,
With all those foods and fruits prepared on center table.
In my thoughts, I could picture out still
How the four of us bade farewell to the passing year
And as well, welcomed the coming year.

The moment a coming year stepped on our door,
We immediately gathered in the dining to do our yearly tradition.
A tradition wherein my father will make one slice on one of the fruits,
He then make one bite then pass on to my mother for another bite,
This time a bite will be come from me then the rest of that fruit
Shall be finished by my younger sister followed by a kiss for each.
This is our way of wishing us lucks and holding us tight,
For a peaceful whole year round as one.

Now is different, our family became bigger.
Things weren't like they were before.
My sister with her husband and their baby
Will spend their new year's eve alone and do their own tradition.

What makes it sad, we all spend our new year's eve alone.
My mother in the Philippines, while my father in Dammam, Saudi
And me here alone and lonely in this foreign land Taiwan.
I miss you my homeland, I'll be back soon
To spend the next new year's eve with you...