Reality

          I admit I am really not into writing but I’ve been always found myself grabbing a piece of paper and a pen in times of hazy moments. You know, dark moments. When no one is here with me and there’s nowhere to run.

            I usually spend my time formulating and calculating equations with numbers and letters. And now, I found myself seeing words trying to compose and figure out my innermost thoughts and feelings deep down from within.  I really don’t know. Maybe I am just scribbling anything for nothing. Huh, hate feeling sucks. 

            While groping in the dark behind these closed doors I must confess I’ve done stuffs…stupid one’s I think. You know, things that there’s no sense at all and unhealthy which never have been.

            My life got totally screwed when you left. People may not see as it seems to be but believe me I am broken and frozen. You broke me off into pieces. The tearful pain it brought marked an end. Hurtful and painful…nothing I could compare with those bloody aching body parts caused by those nonsense fights we used to have had back then.

            On the 4^th day of November 2012, it was Sunday, no work of course. I did my Sunday routine went to church in the morning, took my lunch and slept after awhile to condition myself for the following morning as I usually do. At around 3 o’clock of that silence deafening afternoon, a vibrate sounds from my phone awaken me and somehow I found my heart throbbed like that for the first time when I saw my mother’s name blinked on screen from the Philippines. So, I picked up my phone and heard mama’s voice and asked me to call her since she didn’t have enough load to talk for long. I dropped the call and hurriedly went downstairs to purchase a call card. Emergency stuffs run all over my head that time.

            So I called mama, the darkest moment in my life came in as my mother relayed me the story:

”me:    hello, ma?

 mom:  dai, lig-ona imu kasing2x…

 me:     ha! naunsa man diay mu diha? Asa man diay si papa?

 mom:  lig-ona lage u kasing2x diha kai ikaw ra baya usa.

 me:     nganu lage mu diha, naunsa lage diay mu diha.

 mom:  naghikog man imung manghud, tua imu papa sa purinarya”

            I dropped the call, my tears fell like rain that day. I couldn’t bear the pain that I almost wanted to follow you. I just cried and cried all night and day all along. I asked the company here to let me attend to your wake. I spent tearful sleepless nights and days up to the last moment that I could see your face and bade goodbye.

            “What was really happened?” Oh, how I wish to hear answers and arguments from you. I mean anything. I really love to hear anything from you but I know that it never gonna happen because you’re not here with us anymore. You’re really gone.

            It’s been six months already since you passed away. Tearful sleepless nights are still there with me. And for those nights that I managed to get a sleep, there you were tried to comfort me with those little hugs and talks. I love you sis so much. I miss you a lot. Thank you for everything. You are always in my prayers. May you rest in peace with Him. Your two kids will always remind me of you. I’ll be their shelter no matter what. We love you.

Well, it is indeed reality.

                                                             ( We love you sis...)

Four Years of Complicated Relationship

It was eight years ago when I met this wonderful person in the past at work. Let's just call him Wiv. He showed me the mystery of life. Oh, how beautiful my life was to be treated as princess in our own little world in his own ways. It was Wiv who cared for me as much as my parents do. But my journey with him was not that perfect as I wanted it to be. I lived in secrets and hid in the shadows for four years. I knew the risk but I tried still. No one to be blamed.

All throughout my student life, I never let my heart ruled over my mind for I didn't wanted my folks get disappointed on me. I did good in school. I didn't entertained suitors. I didn't even had much male friends. I was scared then of getting into relationships. So after I got my license in my chosen profession, I thought of taking the risk and giving my heart a chance to ruled and experienced the what we so called "love". Wiv was the first one who took the challenged of winning my heart. It was not easy for me to say the magical word "Yes". Maybe it would have been easier if it was someone else but it's not. It took me a lot of courage to dealt with my feelings and somehow gambled my fate.

Four years...In a relationship...somehow Complicated...

Since we were of the same company, we have seen each other often. We talked and laughed a lot. We had lunch and dinner together more often. We did so much what was supposed to be done as partners. We had our ups and downs. A lot of "LQ's" passed. No regrets...I learned a lot.

There was just a time, a third party came along our way. Wiv got an intimate connection with a woman other than me. It hurts...It was a heartache. To justify, I got even and later on somehow learned to forgive him. But unexpectedly after all what happened, things may not be the same as it used to be and so my feelings. Maybe my heart was scared and tired enough to gamble its fate for another heartache caused by a person I trusted most.

It took also for me a lot of courage to end everything right there and then. 

All connections were cut and burned. My heart cried. It really hurts when love fails.

And It has been four years already since my last love and heartache. 

I know my heart is now strong enough  to face all the challenges in life.

No more running away. I swear...