Dare Me to Leave

I tried to stop the flow
But I can't help myself from fending off
Oh, how strong that flow
To be carried away by a certain hope.

It's been a see through for you
I don't need to hide from that dark shadow
Yes, it is clear like a crystal ball
No sun shines and no tomorrows.

It's been in my thought that you know
That it's always been on a cloud nine
Every time you'll be fastened by my sight.

Just wanna ask you something...
Please let me enjoy the moment I could be on a cloud nine
And could freely walk on fresh air.

Vulnerable Pride...Every Pain Blows.

Warning

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple. 

Jenny Joseph

Submitted: Friday, January 03, 2003

Tatak Pinoy!

My first day of work in this foreign land was kind of blank. Everything was new to me and so with the company since it was their first time too to have workers from the Philippines. We were only seven back then and another eleven arrived the following month. We had our orientation in their national language. Without an interpreter…heck! We’re dead by now. They taught us first our names in their own characters and how it pronounced followed by the company’s management system. Writing my name in their language was like I was sketching my pad for a design.

After the orientation, we we’re introduced to our local co-workers in our respective assignments. It was really hard for me then to communicate them. It was good that the company provided us a half blood Filipina interpreter at work for a month while on training. But that one month with an interpreter was not really enough for us to learn everything in relation to our work. The company was not ready for us too since all of the communication and report forms were not in English. Just imagine how we had understood all those forms in that kind of system. As daily routine, a morning briefing conducted by our department supervisor seemed only intended to the local workers and not for us since we never understand what they were talking about. A month after, some forms and reports were revised for the benefit of foreign workers like us. But mostly of the communications passed and posted have no translations. And also, there was no payday we didn’t have problems on their computations. Not fair in all aspects, we thought. We felt a little bit kind of racial discrimination. It’s been a year already and why those communications like that morning briefing, no one would care to explain and translate it for us foreign workers. If we won’t bother asking our local partners, we’ll never know the content to any form of communications.

What I did, I talked more to my local co-workers everyday. I embraced all their criticisms of how I sounded using their own language. I taught them a little English and so they were to me in their own language. And now thank God I can talk a little…I understand, not all but at least I understood what they meant. I’m just thankful that I got local partners who were good. They treated me as their friend. They tried their best to talk and explain to me anything well.

Just last week, the company has undergone an audit to upgrade. People from Germany visited our company to conduct the inspection. Of course, they have prepared everything to show the best of what they have. What surprised me was that the auditor was a Filipina. When she arrived I almost heard everyone’s heart beats including our bosses. The company’s vice president was the one who entertained and talked to her in English with all the department heads at his back. When they reached our station, we were introduced as her kababayan that we came from her own land Philippines. Physically, she was just like those ordinary pinay. She was more like of GMA. I was a little bit taller than her. She was introduced as Ms. Marge. She smiled a lot to us pinay and threw some tagalog greetings. When she scanned our operation manual and reports, she started to throw questions on our boss without any hesitations and showed an unsatisfied look. I saw my boss face and the heads were in panic. They began to create sounds and tried to answer every question. Still, Ms. Marge was not satisfied. She was that smart and brilliant. She was that perfectionist. She scanned every detail and asked any confusion she met. Wow! My boss crawled into the hands of a smart Filipina like Ms. Marge. But despite the unsatisfied look, every time she glanced our way, she smiled a lot. I am proud of her. I am proud to be a Filipina.

I salute you Ms. Marge. Two thumbs up for you.

Yan ang tatak Pinoy!

To the people who tried to discriminate and looked us down…We got even! J

Arrival, April 2011

After we passed all the requirements at Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport in Taipei, we went directly to Toufen hospital for medical exam by Van hired by the dormitory. It was a relief when I took my 1st breath of the fresh cold air in this foreign land. Amazing! I felt…I breathed…I saw Taiwan myself. I smiled…

While on the road, I enjoyed my eyes on pretty views along our way. Despite of exhaustion, I didn’t take even a nap for I didn’t want to miss all the things around. It was green and flowery. No traffic, no chariots, no multicabs instead there were two floors buses, vans, autos and of course scooters…The roads were broad. There were overpass wide and long. It surrounded with silence, I never saw even a single person who cared to walk his way…No beggars or street children... No CITOM or Police on standby. Instead, there were cameras on streets and establishments.

We arrived in Toufen after an hour. I was amazed; the medical exam took only 15 minutes with all those tests. Taiwanese nurses moved fast and organized. Along with their fast phased moves they communicate us in sign language…It was odd, I felt strange about the atmosphere, it was too quiet to be true despite of Pinoy crowd.  Nurses here worked in silence…no words, time is gold. So after the exam, we went to Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MOFA) to acquire for an Alien Resident Certificate (ARC).

After an hour they brought us to zhunan dormitory. The Taiwanese driver tried to help us in taking our luggage out from his van. When he tried to lift the luggage of my friend, the handle departs from its body and said…”ohhh! Made in China…” And that was the time we all laughed out loud…

Finally, I got my home here and took a deep sleep.

Departure, April 2011

On the 8^th day of April 2011 at MCIA, Mama and Yaya together with Ylaya sisters (melca, te vity, manang bibie and of course my little boy ezheckiel) were with me at the lobby two hours before my scheduled flight for manila. We talked and laughed a lot. Mama talked a lot. But when the time came that I need to step-in and leave, I saw tears welled in my mother’s eyes. I hugged her and whispered that “Ma, this is going to be my first step. Take good care of yourself. I love you. I’ll be back.” Then I turned my back and left. I couldn’t help to hold back my tears as I walked away but I need to be hard enough to move forward.

We were seven who arrived in NAIA as expected. A private vehicle picked us up to a recommended dormitory by the agency in Sta.Ana. We left our things and went to Intramuros for post medical and to the agency for pedos.

After I got all the things I needed, I went to my cousin’s place in San Juan and spent a night there with a guy I called kuya who courted me for three years. He happened to be in manila that time for he was just arrived from Dubai. He worked there for two years. Kuya was my very good friend. He’s not that good looking but he is undeniably good person. On the next day, we went to Ate Zyleth place (melca’s sister) in cavite and spent a day and a night bonding. Ate wanted me to have an eye on her land she just bought where she could rise her own house and requested me to be part of it. On the day after, it was Sunday; we went to Kawit church and heard mass before leaving for Sta.Ana.

That Sunday was my last day in manila, so kuya grabbed a chance to talk to me

and clear things out between us. We ate lunch out together and talked a lot. He asked me

again for the third and last time about his status. The first time he asked me, it was year

2009 before he went abroad, I turned him down but he was determined back then to

pursue his intention for me. He took a vacation leave and went home after a year. He

asked me out and tried to fixed things between us for the second time. Again, I turned

him down. And last year 2011 before I left was the third and last time he asked. Then it

was the time that I have to do what should have been done. I put an end to his sufferings.

That time my words were harsh for him to move. I bade goodbye to whatever we had for

good. I even ended our friendship for him to realize what I want… that it’s not him. It

was not easy for me but I had to.

At 1am of April 11, with all our luggage with us, we went to the assembly area at the agency’s office in Intramuros. It took us three hours to wait for the bus that would bring us to Pampanga Clark Air Base Airport and fly with the Asian Spirit Plane. The bus arrived at exactly 4am and made us walked for approximately 1km with our heavy loads because of that truck ban. What a heck!...Our agony not just ended there, as we about to enter Clark Air Base, we found out that we had lost our way to the airport instead we reached through a camp site. We turned our back and asked every person we met along the way where the airport was…Stupid! Was it?...All of us were already in panic since we were all late on our scheduled flight for Taiwan. We were all upset as we went down for inspection and stepped in the main entrance of the airport. 

It was not that bad after all, our flight was declared delay due to some circumstances.

Thank God!...

It was rough though but we got here safe and sound.

                                                           

                               ...sleepless night, a year ago...

Words of Thousand Thoughts

I heard you unaware.

Your words spoke a thousand thoughts.

You just told me what you had to say.

I knew, it was only based on what I have shown you by heart.

But honestly, your words moved me...

Disturbed me... surprised me...

I admit, I hide things for some reasons privately.

I hide and I want it to be that way.

To be misjudged by anybody is what I'm afraid and worried of.

You are supposed to be in exemption since we shared a lot of things for so long.

But you are too good.

You are too right.

I trust you, yes I do.

But I can't help it, shameful still.

I'm scared...

Of the ghost I made.

Last night  at work...

Those words of yours haunted me 

While I was at the midst of my busy daily routine assignments.

Then when the clock ticked at 3:50 am...break time.

I grabbed a nap for 35 minutes.

I dreamed...

"There I stood at a crowded street as I caught one's own breath.

I was scared, Oh no! somebody was running after me.

Minutes after, someone from behind easily wrapped her arms around me

And said, Hey!, It's all right...I'm just here...

I turned and looked at her, she smiled in mock and together we laughed.

Whew! It was my best friend who run all along after me then...:)"

When I woke up, It was then I remembered and realized

The last few words of yours justified by that dream.

That whatever happens, what and who really am.

You are just there...

You were just there behind me all through this time.

This also made me realized that whatever secrets I may have.

Whatever or however I keep.

I can't hold it.

You caught me...

Then I wondered...

Why is that so as always?

I'ts just simply because YOU KNOW ME...of course.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wow!, It's been so long...It feels good to write you again for your birthday. Heheh, same as before this is only I can afford for now as present on your special day...my words...

This is my way of thanks giving for being with me, for bearing with me for the past 17 years of friendship.

Although we are not that physically close just like before, we are still friends...Best of Friends by heart...

I know you're not comfortable with compliments...Just bear with this, anyways this is for your birthday...

I'm just happy...I'm just glad for the friendship we have had. Many times I thought I lost you, of all the ups and downs we had within that 17 years...I'm so glad that the TRUST we have for each other still there...and of course we both care.

In time, we will talk...I promise...

In advance...

Happy Birthday!...:)

Four Years of Complicated Relationship

It was eight years ago when I met this wonderful person in the past at work. Let's just call him Wiv. He showed me the mystery of life. Oh, how beautiful my life was to be treated as princess in our own little world in his own ways. It was Wiv who cared for me as much as my parents do. But my journey with him was not that perfect as I wanted it to be. I lived in secrets and hid in the shadows for four years. I knew the risk but I tried still. No one to be blamed.

All throughout my student life, I never let my heart ruled over my mind for I didn't wanted my folks get disappointed on me. I did good in school. I didn't entertained suitors. I didn't even had much male friends. I was scared then of getting into relationships. So after I got my license in my chosen profession, I thought of taking the risk and giving my heart a chance to ruled and experienced the what we so called "love". Wiv was the first one who took the challenged of winning my heart. It was not easy for me to say the magical word "Yes". Maybe it would have been easier if it was someone else but it's not. It took me a lot of courage to dealt with my feelings and somehow gambled my fate.

Four years...In a relationship...somehow Complicated...

Since we were of the same company, we have seen each other often. We talked and laughed a lot. We had lunch and dinner together more often. We did so much what was supposed to be done as partners. We had our ups and downs. A lot of "LQ's" passed. No regrets...I learned a lot.

There was just a time, a third party came along our way. Wiv got an intimate connection with a woman other than me. It hurts...It was a heartache. To justify, I got even and later on somehow learned to forgive him. But unexpectedly after all what happened, things may not be the same as it used to be and so my feelings. Maybe my heart was scared and tired enough to gamble its fate for another heartache caused by a person I trusted most.

It took also for me a lot of courage to end everything right there and then. 

All connections were cut and burned. My heart cried. It really hurts when love fails.

And It has been four years already since my last love and heartache. 

I know my heart is now strong enough  to face all the challenges in life.

No more running away. I swear...

A Sign

Will you come with me
On a journey on this earth?
Reach for our dreams,
Swim among the clouds
Or frolic in flooded city.
Chicken feet for snacks,
Mock other people with interest
While eating "halo-halo" on the street.

I will write everything in my book.
Just like those buses I was with
Filled with baggage's and colorful stories...

But I don't want to beg you to try
I want you to set off affectionate love...
Shower me with roses til we grow old...

As I await His blessing
A sign...
That you are my forever...The One.

For now, let me draws a smile on sadness
And delight in the days of being with you...
In time.

Coming Out from the Dark

Living life wouldn't mean
That you have to do things right
To have eternal life after death.
Living life would mean
That you have to live it the way you want it.
The way you think is right.

What am I babbling about?

He is the only reason for this.
Just him.

Then why is God's definition of love
So different from anyone else's?
How ca it be so different from mine?
When we all know that
It simply...feels good...to love.

See
Everything about me, my whole body,
My mind, my heart, my soul,
My whole being points out to this person
And tells me that what I'm feeling is not a lie.

How can that be so bad
In the eyes of so many?
And in the eyes of God?
I just...don't get it.

I was thinking...
Maybe it would have been better and easier
...If it was someone else.
But the thing is...It's not.

Why does it have to be him?
Why does it have to be only him?
I'm going to be completely honest
And spare myself from being completely disillusioned.
I just want one day...to be with him.

Just one day and that is all.
Nothing more. Nothing less.

I just want to be able to
Live that moment again.
To let my heart
Feel an overflow of emotions.
I want to feel the intensity
Flowing into our bodies.
Releasing on our fingertips.

Is that too much to ask?
Just one more day.
Please? Can I?